Unwanted. . .

It's been awhile. I thought things would have changed by moving out of my parents house and into my own place. I thought that what held me back from finding someone was staying there. That theory has proven untrue. I've lived here 5 months and all I've found is that I'm more vulnerable than I realized. That my fear is not of getting hurt but finding out that I'm not good enough or that I'm unlovable. That staying at my parents was just my shelter from facing my fear.

I thought I met someone. That someone chose someone else. The exact same happened 2 years back. I guess the second theory is still intact, I'm not worth dating. The men I half consciously grow feelings for find someone else to fall in love with. Part of me thinks they're not right for me, but most of me feels discarded and unwanted.

I saw DD 2 days ago at a concert. I haven't seen him in ages. I thought whatever feelings I had was dealt with. I guess I was wrong. I didn't want him to see me because I know I wouldn't be able to hide anything. My face usually sees it all. My unwanting to see him for my own sake would inevitably show itself. The meeting, after so long was more painful that I thought. I tried my best to squash the feelings but its still there. Right there staring at me in the arms of someone else. I really can't blame him, or should I? It would be easier, wouldn't it? To paint him as an ass and move on. I blame mostly me though. That I've been careless. That I've let my guard down and made myself vulnerable.

So, I'll do what I do best. Run away. Avoid him. Just be a bitch and ignore him. I've long since deleted his number from my phone. Now, I just need my heart and my mind to follow. Yes, my mind. My dreams are still full of him. Without me wanting, the idea of him pops into my head. The leading man of my fantasies. It sucks. I want it to stop. I give up!