the hurdles!

.....just an update. The "conversation" between my bosses and I went pretty well. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I guess I lost sleep for nothing. The thing is, its better for me to have thought about what I want to be anyways. I still want to be a musician someday. When and if that would ever happen well, I don't really know. I'll work through it. Eventually, I'll have an epiphany and be more focused. 'Til then, I'll keep on keepin' on!

The last week or so has been quite challenging for me. I don't' quite know how to process it or quantify it. In a bigger sense, my problems are quite so petty compared to many others. Does that give me any right to complain? Yes, but in a reasonable amount. I hate to be one of those people who only complain. So far that's what I feel like I'm doing and not much work to change the situation. I became the person I don't want to be. I have to change that. There's something holding me back and I don't know what it is. There HAS to be a lesson I ought to learn here but right now, that lesson evades me. Perhaps the only thing I would get out of this situation is a good song or two. But so far the bridge between music and lyrics are not quite connecting. The process quite solitary for now...I'm hoping eventually it will find each other.

Anyway, have you ever wondered why bad things happen to good people? I wonder that sometimes...not about me but to people I know who do not deserve the awful things that life throws at them. I exclude myself only because sometimes I feel like I deserve whatever it is that was thrown at me. But that's a different discussion. I see all these people around me. Some quite well off other not. Then people who deserve to have a better life actually are suffering the most and those who do not deserve the luxury and the riches just roll in it? It makes me feel like God just rolled a dice for each person and said, whatever is on the dice will be yours, regardless of your worthiness. It sometimes feel unfair. The randomness of it all....or is it really random? Maybe not. If you believe in God, in which I do, there is always a purpose for everything. Though the big picture is yet to be seen nor the pieces all not laid out in front of us, there is a purpose. I refuse to believe that people suffer for no reason. In turn, I also refuse to believe that people get what they deserve. They're all blessings, some maybe in disguise. On the other hand, there are people who believe in fate. That whatever circumstance, or whatever decision you make, it will always lead to the inevitable circumstance that is only meant for you. How you handle that journey, or how you handle the situation is up to you.

Life. This is the only chance we have. There are no rehearsals. No "do it over" cards. Its what it is, and it's what we got. Therefore, we have to give it our best shot and hope that it will do some good. Right now though, I feel so much more unproductive. I have to be able to give. To leave a legacy. To contribute a verse, as Robin Williams said in Dead Poet's Society. So far, if I die right now, what will I have left? A nice guitar. Unfinished songs. A book of poems. Friends. A job I hate. A car that has a nice rock hole on the windshield. I hate this feeling. I don't want to have a defeatist attitude. I never once was this person. Or if ever I morph into this crazy person, I manage to get out of it. Maybe that's the point. I need to not just get out of this funk but get something out of it. Learn. Do. Then apply it to life and pass it on. I feel like I'm running this race and the hurdles just keeps on getting higher and I have tripped and fallen. The finish line way out of sight and everyone in the race has passed me by. Maybe I should just change sports and find another way to play in life's games. Ha! Though even if I change, I will eventually find the same problems if I don't deal with them. If I go to soccer, there will always be a goalie. If I go swimming, I risk fatigue and I drown.

Wow, I'm really negative. Ok, maybe this is my therapy. Write all this negativity away and start anew and refreshed tomorrow morning. Breathe in, and out. Continue the track and field race and jump those hurdles with pride. Without them, life would be boring and you'll learn nothing at all. Run like you've never ran before and see where it leads you. Remember, you're not racing with anyone but yourself. You can always decide to walk and go around the hurdles, but what's the fun in that? You just live life unscathed. No battle scars. I think I'll be prouder if I had battle scars. It only means, I've faced the hurdles and did my best to jump through. I may fall flat on my face but I gave it my best shot and to the next hurdle I go. Maybe I should buy better running shoes to help me on....but here I go...