Monster Freak! ...an unanchored flotation devise

I'm freaking out. I don't know what I'm doing and I feel like I'm just floating about in this big wild world without anything anchoring me down. Maybe that's why my friends called me freak and I am a monster who just devours every happiness in sight when all I'm feeling is totally opposite of that very emotion I crave.

I love being happy. To what extend and to what end will I pursue such happiness when I haven't a clue what it is that I want to attain. Thus the freaking out part. I feel like I should know what I ought to be. What I should work towards. Rather, I am here looking around twiddling my thumbs and saying, "so what to do now?"

I like to be challenged but when I face something that would bring me down, I bog down and shut down. It's not a good response really. It's a poor way of handling a situation when it is suppose to be a learning experience. The funny thing is, I don't realize it's a learning anything until its in the past. Hindsight blows royally. I don't know what I should be doing here. I know I'm not the only one whose floating about. There are others like me. Imagine a whole river full of people in inner tubes floating about with no destination. Just looking up the stars and hoping there would not be a water falls somewhere between here and wherever. Hoping that there would be no rocks with sharp edges threatening to cut me or puncture my flotation devise --the only thing keeping me afloat and helping me survive. Is that a good way to portray life? I hope not. I would rather see it as being a canoe or a kayak where I can actually have control over it. If there is a fork down the road, I just won't let the tides take me there, but rely on brute strength and presence of mind to make a decision and go for it. Left or right. Right, then paddle the shitload towards that fork and hope that it's not the path that leads to the level 5 rapids and a waterfall to boot. What a disaster that would be.

I'm meeting with my boss tomorrow. Having a "talk" about me. Good or bad, I'm thinking lots of it would be bad. This will be my equivalent of a level 4 rapid. I don't want to be defensive nor do I want to just break down and let it be. I have to fight the rapids and find a way to safety. I guess I'll find out by 8am --my meeting at 7:30. What a way to start my day. Being belittled and stomped on. I'm really hoping that my imagination is getting the best of me but I don't think it is. By 8, I'll have a report back. Thumbs up or down. Maybe I'll quit. But quitting is not the answer now is it? In my head, quitting means, I'm running away from it.

Here's my question: When is a decision considered copping out and running away? and When is it considered the right thing to do?

Well, I'll paddle my way out of this rapids in hopes that I'll find anchor somewhere in the near future. 'Til then, I'll hang on to this flotation devise ...my inner tube of life and hope that I'll find a better transport down the river....anyone have a spare canoe?