back from my trip

yes, it was a trip to nowhere. Indianapolis, Indiana to be exact. I traveled there to attend the ICCA (International Community Corrections Association) conference where my boss Fay, Eric, and I will be presenting some stuff on "what works" literature that we've been working on. I of course do not like giving workshops since I'm not fond of being in front of people --how I would become a performer/singer, I would have to do some hard work to get over the yucky feeling. Anyway, the day I was flying to good 'ole Indiana, my throat started getting scratchy, that was Saturday night. Sunday, my nose started running and my voice was slowly disappearing. Monday...Whoa! Almost gone. When I speak, people can hardly hear me. The unfortunate/fortunate (depending on how you see it) thing is that I was not able to present my part. Faye did it...I am quite thankful for her...I tried to start my presentation asking people from the back if they could hear me. The fact that they did not answer, spoke quite loudly. They can't. Oh well.

another "experience" I had was when I was handing out copies of our presentation, a man from the crowd asked me to come over. Of course I graciously did since I assumed it was a question about our presentation. But alas, it was not. He was hitting on me. What an inappropriate gesture. I'm flattered but man! In a conference? Anyway, he said that he wanted to let me know that I'm a very attractive woman. When he said this, I said thank you and kept on walking. Apparently, according to Eric, I made a face. Hawaii....So much for poker face. I can never hide my feelings. Oh well....

after Faye left, Eric and I went and had some cocktails. Gosh, it's been forever since I've drank that on my 3rd gin and tonic....I was MAD drunk. It was awful. I barely made it to my room. And believe it or not it was only 7:30. How pathetic. I however did manage to brush my teeth, and change into my pajamas. I crawled into bed all comfy when my phone rings. It was A. We chit chatted. I barely remember what we talked about. After we hung up, I started writing. I have 2 songs. And some jumbled thoughts that need to be arranged into something coherent. I guess that's what happens when you're drunk and writing. What you write does not make sense. It makes me wonder how some people can write songs under the influence. But it makes for an interesting story though.

so now I'm home. Ready to go to bed. But I figure I should write something on this good 'ole journal of mine.
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why change?
I heard someone say once
that change is hard to do
it's too comfortable
it's too difficult
is what we usually complain to

we often sit things out
letting the ride pass us by
and miss the opportunity
miss the point of maturity
to grow for awhile

now tell me why
why, why oh why
why is it difficult?
why do we resist it all?
and miss the goal of the call

why do we ignore the voice?
why pretend it was not spoken?
with a blind eye, and a deaf ear
we sit things out again

we are caught in an illusion
that things are great as it is
we think it perfect, we think it's just right
and so we stay as is

so tell me why
why, why oh why
why is it difficult?
why do we resist it all?
and miss the goal of the call

the funny thing is we are always changing
without us ever knowing, without us even resisting
day to day we always change
we are different now, from who we were, and who will will be

now tell me why
why, why oh why
why is it difficult
why do we resist it all
when Chang is really inevitable
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love lost on me
is love lost on me?
I never seem to understand it
will I ever know the feeling?
will I ever experience it?
or, is it just lost on me?

have I miss the opportunity
am I stuck to not experience true ecstasy?
I hear it's so much bull who ever said
it's better to have love and lost than never to love at all
of course, I have no say in this at all
since love is lost on me

never have I had butterflies in my stomach
nor hap I felt electricity as I held his hand
why is it so hard to comprehend
is it because love is lost on me?

now tell what am I really missing
I hover outside the circle of experiences
bound to never get in
cause I think, I believe, I feel I'm bound to have love lost on me
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HERE ARE MY DRUNKEN THOUGHTS =)

it seems the chambers of the ill forgotten is where I found myself to be in
all the world whirling around
I'm unable to focus in

I don't seem to know what is up or down
unable to tell what is right or wrong
so tell me, why my world spins
where do I belong?

to the gutters will I be found
or to the heavens will I soar
or is it wrong for me to think this through
because the unknown is where the target I am destined to

my behavior so unbecoming
quite uncouth, not quite forthcoming
with my kaleidoscope vision
always distracting, always daunting
this is what led me through the gates
of the ill forgotten chambers
I found myself in

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so tell me why I can't seem to see
where the roads are taking me
so tell me why I cannot seem to embrace my unknown future
as the tides turn and I float in

maybe I'm suppose to see it
whenever I reach the site
maybe I'm suppose to dream
the dream I ought to get tonight

perhaps I'm never to find out
what my future ought to be
it is suppose to be a surprise
'til the other world and this collide

'cuz I am blind and I cannot see
where I have to go and be
and maybe I should just travel by
to the destination I need to find and try

will I ever reach my destination
or am I bound to float right by
and miss the dock of opportunity
until it's too late to go back
'cuz I've reached the end with obscurity

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I see a theme here. My longing for love and my fears of not being able to find it. As well as my thousands of questions on what I'm suppose to be doing with my life. I think those are the themes of my writings so far. I'm trying to branch out. We'll see if I'll be successful. Oh well. Good night world! I'm off to sleep and rest this darn cold! In hopes that it won't get worse.