long lost everything

it seems my post yesterday disappeared. oh well. what was i writing about? oh yeah. some reflections.

my friend/voice teacher jane told me that i need to imagine my goal because if i cannot, then it cannot happen. simple statement but quite insightful. it's the same idea with men. if you can't imagine being intimate with that person...(just kissing will do.... ) then the attraction is either non-existent or very minimal. as to my goal of a musical career....well, lo and behold i can actually imagine it. i can see me playing in front of people. usually, the image switches from a concert arena like the 9:30 club (although it's not it) to a small cafe/bar type place. but you know what i find interesting? when i do imagine my goal, i actually feel the queasiness in my stomach at the same time the exhilaration of the performance. i guess that's a good sign for i am always afraid to be in front of people. i would say, if the latter feeling was not there, then maybe it's not for me. but the fact is, i was happy when i was imagining these events. so maybe i'm on the right track. well, i just pray that i am. wherever things lead. i'll just keep on giving myself the tools to succeed once the door opens for me. i have lots of doubt though, which i've been told plenty of times that it is normal. so i'm not gonna let that thought hinder my drive. for now, the best thing for me to do is "keep on keepin' on." honing my skills, not closing my heart to any possibilities, and trusting God that all will reveal itself in time. i just need to prepare myself for the possibilities so that when the door opens, then i will be ready to walk through it. i guess i've found some of my courage back. i'm not as down as before. in the process of much soul searching, i am finding myself. i'm more comfortable now in my own skin than i have in the past. i'm definitely finding long lost everythings....things that i took for granted, i find are important after all. i guess it's good to realize these now before it's too late. values change over time. it's good to retrace your steps and reconfigure your radar so that you can look at things with a more critical eye. being able to go back to things long lost does not mean you're taking steps back, but you are just making sure you did not lose something important along the way to your destination. believe me, do this once in awhile. just do some inventory of yourself and see...am i missing something? if so, look for what's missing and try to get it back. it's worth the journey to find things thought to be lost.


i look passed the flower
passed the colossal tower
and focused on a face
with lines you can trace
of massive experience, of wisdom, of grace

i search through blank stares
through forests of experiences
beyond the physical
and through each soul it speaks
of many truths, of lies entwined, beneath

so why do we hide?
hide from the world
hide from the mystery
of life, of joy, and of pain
so tell me why, hide behind the walls of rain?

i observe every essence
the aura with such presence
that speaks of hearts desires
the aches, pains, cares, and love's fire

beyond the walls we build
passed the fields of chaos, a shield
there lies our valnerable selves
open, sensitive, naked, exposed to elements

so why do we hide?
hide from the world
hide from the mystery
of life, of joy, and of pain
so tell me why, hide behind the walls of rain?

defenses crumble
glass walls shatter
ever present danger
should this make us suffer?

we lay accross the barren land
ready to be filled, to take a stand
and let the waters flow
beyond the walls we hide from.....so