thoughts

*sigh of relief --or grief?" I finally turned in my resignation yesterday. It felt great. It was totally refreshing and, well --it was awesome! A day later, I have this pang of regret as I always do when I make a huge decision. Like buying my car. Or when my friend Jimmy and I bought a timeshare. It was scary. One was a success and the other, well not so great. But both were huge decisions. Done with complete thought while the other, in haste. What extremes. Now though, its done with thought --well, I'd like to think that I did it with complete thought. In fact, I've been thinking about in for years. I've been with my company for 5 years (including my internship). Five years where I learned and grew as a person and a professional. Five years I stood firm in many challenges with little supervision from my boss and managed somehow to keep my head afloat and make something great of a really bad working situation.

If you've been reading my blog then you know that I always try to see the good in people. The bad thing about that is I always try to minimize what is bad in them as well, when I should really be cautious about it. I seemed to have neglected to see the bad side of working at BGR for quite sometime. Yes, I complain about it for so long and have threatened to walk away plenty of times but now, the dark side has finally overcome the light. I saw that if I were to stay where I am, I would crumble. What would be left would be a shell of who I used to be. I don't want to be that. I don't want to be reduced into nothing in an environment that doesn't really support your growth though tries to. The people there I think mean well. They want you to strive for the stars but they never give you the tools to get there. They do not lead you or lend you a hand to achieve your potential. I have walked far enough on my own with little or no guidance and now, I'm unsure of which direction to go. My mother has a great mentor. Her boss pushes her but at the same time, she helps her get there. I would like someone to do that. If I meet someone like that, would I even know what to do? Would I recognize its potential and seize the opportunity or would I be so defeated that I would let it slip away? I honestly don't know. Its the same with men. I probably would not recognize a great guy who is interested in me when I see him. I'm so focused in having the ideal that I probably would miss the opportunity all together. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. I just need to get over this. I need to go and move and let my life be my life and have it lead me in some parts of the journey.

Its funny to think when I was a child in the Philippines, when all the other kids in school dreamt about being a doctor, I on the other hand dreamt about being a lawyer. A great trial lawyer who can stand up for herself. Who can argue a point in front of those 12 jurors and win my clients' freedom. Quite a feminist back then, when the world may not have even been in my vocabulary. How far away am I from that dream. From who that person is. All I remember growing up is wanting to fit in. To be liked. To have that group of friends who would be there no matter what. I never got those when I was back home but I realize that being someone else was no way to gain friends. Being vulnerable and carrying your heart in your sleeves only gets you hurt. And yet, as I look at myself now. A grown woman of 26, nearly 27 in just a few weeks time, I am happy to see the innocent in me. But a governing eye of reality is there to keep my heart from breaking. The eye that would know to adjust my bearing, my expectations, and my way at looking at a situation in order to keep my sanity and my happiness. Is this avoidance? I don't know. I would like to be the person, who like in my childhood dream, am capable of standing in front of people and defend myself. Carry my person with pride and being strong. Like how I admire my friend Cara for standing up against her former boss and diplomatically painted a picture of an office quite different from her boss's perception of the utopian work place. Will I be able to do the same, given a chance? I've had my opportunity when my boss actually asked me why I never ask questions. I kept quiet but my insides were screaming that because she was never a person who liked to help, to guide, to nurture. She's condescending, and mean spirited. She looks down at your questions and throws it back at your face because she expects you to know it when you honestly do not. How will I ask questions when I will only be greeted with a wall of sarcasm. I regretted not being able to stand up for myself and tell her how it really is. In the back of my mind, she'll probably rationalize every action anyway. Like why at least 7 people have left the office in a huff and that 2 of them have reported her to the employment office of the University. Should I join the band wagon? Maybe not. I am grateful for the opportunity but all opportunities must come to an end. Good or bad. I need to move on. Am I rationalizing my actions? Maybe but I have to for self-preservations sake. But I've also rationalized that staying at BGR is a learning experience. A job that would teach me something about the world. Not everyone has your best interest in mind. That there would always be at least one person brining others down and you either take it or leave it. Have I learned what I need to learn? I hope so because I have reached my limit and now I'm moving on. Leaving behind fond memories and experiences, friends and colleagues whom I would cherish.

What's next? I should really be searching for a job right about now instead of blogging. But I thought it would be great to journal my current thoughts about things before I start looking for jobs. Se La Vie BGR! Bon jury New Life! Here's a toast to the vast unknown and the future.