Temporary

\Tem"po*ra*ry\, a. [L. temporarius, fr. tempus, temporis, time: cf. F. temporaire.] Lasting for a time only; existing or continuing for a limited time; not permanent; as, the patient has obtained temporary relief.adj 1: not permanent; not lasting; "politics is an impermanent factor of life"- James Thurber; "impermanent palm cottages"; "a temperary arrangement"; "temporary housing" [syn: impermanent] [ant: permanent] 2: lacking continuity or regularity; "an irregular worker"; "employed on a temporary basis" [syn: irregular]. [Latin temporrius, from tempus, tempor-, time.] Synonyms: temporary, acting, ad interim, interim, provisional
These adjectives mean assuming the duties of another for the time being: a temporary chairperson; the acting dean; an ad interim admissions committee; an interim administration; a provisional mayor.
Antonyms: permanent


I often wonder what it is that we are all called for to do. How we are to find out what it is exactly, and once we are doing something, how do we know that it is the right one? I guess for me, there is this unsettling feeling in my stomach when I do something that is not right for me. That nagging thought in my head that tells me that what I'm doing or what I'm about to embark on is not what I'm meant to do. Although there are those instances when we ought to do something and yet we do not. Then what?

For right now though, the phase in my life with my current job is coming to an end. The wisdom and knowledge learned while I'm there is invaluable. The hurdle now is which direction to go. Uncertaintly is scary. The thought of finding nothing after leaving something occupies my mind a lot these days. What if my pursuit of something bigger and better never gets actualized? The fear is there. Its huge. The unknown is so far beyond my comprehension that it sometimes keeps me up at night. Though I know I am in good hands. "God will provide." I have the faith, though it wavers once in a while, that everything comes for a reason. As my dear friend Sharon said, whatever you encounter is part of a bigger picture that we cannot see. We are only privy to the part we ought to see at the precise moment and time. So be it. I worry though but I just have to worry AND do something lest dive into complete nothingness. Doing that would just make me a total failure. The trick now is to do the best I can with whatever is available and try to knock on doors...enter then when the opportunity comes. My destiny is written out for me. I'm being shaped into something for a purpose I have yet to stumble on. I think fear is quite reasonable in these times and I just have to be strong in my resolve that this decision that I am making will lead into what I am meant to do. Though I am afraid, I am quite happy with my predicament. I'm quite surprised at what I am feeling. So maybe, just maybe, what I'm doing is for the better. For now, I am keeping a strong Faith and an open mind that all will be well soon.

In the meantime, I'm searching. I'm optimistic about everything (I've written that on my previous blog). I like looking into the wild, vast, world and see the potential for it. The experience is a great inspiration to write my verses however, for some reason, as I sit down to write an awesome lyric, it disappears. Why is that? Is it not time to write it down? Is it not time for me to grow in music? Well at least the writing part? I know there is a lot of growing to do in many aspects of my life, including music. So I should be patient. More patient than I have ever been.

I've been talking to many of my friends. Those that I trust and I find comfort in their words. They're honest with me. Even if what I hear from is not what I want to hear at times. Though with my current decision making, they're very supportive. Most agree with my decision, which is a good affirmation. I find it hilarious sometimes when I find some of my friends just being nice and courteous ... and are just trying to humor me. I usually can spot it if they're fibbing about some of my thoughts. Then I know I should rethink them.

For once I would like to be one of the kids out back playing. The only care they have is to finish their homework and that their parents would not find out that they've ran over the garden flowers while playing tag with the puppy dog. Wouldn't it be nice to have that life right now? Not have all these responsibilities that come with more knowledge about the world? It will be nice. But the challenge I bet is to keep up with the knowledge. To find that wisdom that you can pass on to the little children that would eventually occupy this earth. Like my friend Jason wrote, sometimes I cannot fathom the day when I would no longer be here. How would it feel? For right now, I'm content being alive. Let me rephrase that. I am ecstatic to be alive. To be given the opportunity to make a difference. To do some good while I walk the path of no return. The journey is one way and often we have to remind ourselves that. Life is rented and it's on lease for a certain amount of time. It has to be returned, have to be grateful for it, and to make the most of the given amount of time. Isn't that the premise behind the musical Rent? That life, love, and everything in this world is temporary. It is fleeting and it only take a moment for it to disappear. So, there is no buying, there is no acquiring, there is only borrowing, renting, leasing and we have signed the lease on this temporary business opportunity to have a glimpse of life in its entirety. We have to be humbled by the very thought of this..I sure am. Life can end at any moment. So if I were to die today, right now, at this very chair, and at this very computer table I am at, will I have been proud of what I have done so far. I can say that I am. Though I could have done more. But I would love to believe that I have in some ways touched other peoples lives. That my presence made a difference and that I have made a little contribution to the world, however minute it is. It maybe, on the grand scheme of things, that whatever I did, did not amount to much, but its nonetheless something.

Well, I'm currently job searching so I should just go back to that task. Wish me luck on this temporary endeavors from my temporary life. However fleeting it may be. I'm still quite happy.