"Things I'll Never Say"

It boggles me what I can control and what I cannot in my own being. My mind, my heart, my emotions. They all fall into the category of uncontrollable. They seem to never be in sync. I hate it. I feel like a total twerp. Quite helpless really. Such a dichotomy when your heart just wants to scream something and yet your mind takes over and you don't. As much as I hate to admit it, it sounds like one of Avril Lavigne's songs. "Things I'll Never Say"

I'm tuggin' at my hair
I'm pullin' at my clothes
I'm tryin' to keep my cool
I know it shows

I'm staring at my feet
My cheeks are turning red
I'm searching for the words inside my head

I'm feeling nervous
Tryin' to be so perfect
'Cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it
Yeah...

If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I want to blow you--away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down--on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

It don't do me any good it's just a waste of time
What use is it to you what's on my mind?
If it ain't comin' out, we're not going anywhere
So why can't I just tell you that I care?

'Cause I'm feeling nervous
Tryin' to be so perfect
'Cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it
Yeah...

If I could say what I wanna say
I'd say I want to blow you--away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could say what I wanna see
I want to see you go down--on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

(What is)What's wrong with my tongue?
These words keep slipping away
I stutter I stumble like I've got nothing to say

'Cause I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
'Cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it
Yeah...

[Verbal Acoustics]

I guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I want to blow you--away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down--on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away......

These things I'll never say

The thing is, is he really worth it? Maybe that's why I'll never say anything. It's probably for the best that I say nothing. To avoid him all together. He chose someone else and that's fine. I should be fine. There was never anything that happened.

Urgh, why does this happen to me all the time? I wonder. Logically, I know I'm better off. I hate this. Hate it hate it hate it.