Listen ... and follow . . .

Last night, I was trying to fall asleep when the sudden flood of emotions came. First of all, why does it always come late at night? When you're trying to rest? My guess is that I've consciously stymied any way for issues to surface and when my mind is relaxed in the evening and my guards are down, then everything that's been repressed bubbles up.

It's during this time last night that my chest feels like it was going to burst open and tears start forming in my eyes. It hurts, it really hurts. The problem is the disconnect between the affect and the mind. I have no idea what it is ... until just as quickly as the emotions flooded in, my mind starts to race. So rapidly that pictures in my head was like a movie in fastforward mode and me not having the remote. I couldn't stop it. Though as it all flashed in my mind, I've realized that the emotion is of sadness. The sadness brought on by the fact that Nell has found someone and I haven't. That here I am, holding on to a fantacy that this guy would turn my way and consider me.

I don't know anything about relationships, at least a romantic one. How do I let him know I like him? I think in not so many words, I have let him know. Urgh ... humbug! I'm not gonna go on this road again. If it happens it happens. I just need my heart to listen and be satisfied with that answer. I'm not one to run after a guy and maybe that's my flaw but that's all I know. People have been telling me all these things ... do this, don't do that ... it just confuses me. More even.

Just let it go. Just let it all go. My mind knows that but will the rest of me follow?