Last Kiss

I recently saw the movie "Last Kiss" starring Zach Braff. It's a good thinking movie, just like his debut directing film "Garden State." Though one was much better written and directed (Garden State), both still captures the humanity and the doubt that most if not all of us in our generation. Perhaps, our parents felt the same way. The manifestation of the crisis may slightly be different but the anxiety, fear, and doubt are there.

"We all make choices," it said. "Have you ever felt uncertain? Have you ever longed for more? Have you ever wanted to escape?"

I think we all feel that at least once in our lifetime. Where life is spread in front of us, and is ready for the taking and yet ... and yet we hesitate to think, is what I'm doing what I'm suppose to be doing?

I was looking out the waters of the Potomac as I drove home the other day while waiting for the long line of cars to merge into the GW Parkway. I have this quiet epiphany that nothing is perpetually still nor will it ever will. I came to this conclusion because sometime last year, will all the rain and wind we got, the Potomac river was surging wildly. The waves had white peaks on them and you can hear the roaring of the water at that time, when it is otherwise calm and silently flowing. No kayakers, rowers, or fishing boats were present. All cowered away to the safety of land.

Life as we all know it is the same way, isn't it? There are days when all are still and peaceful until one day comes when a storm rocks your world. I'm bracing myself for that. Is that harsh for me to think, when I'm usually an optimist? I guess even optimists have their pessimistic days. I need to learn not to be too complacent and be forever on my toes or at least conscious of my surroundings and the goings-on in my life and those that I care and love.

The point is, we should question and wonder. But what makes the difference is knowing when to surrender and let the rapids go about their business and wait things out until the storm passes. Or to decide to hop onto a kayak and navigate the surging waters and risk everything to gain so many more.

I'm no risk taker. I'm a coward in so many ways. I navigate through life as safely as I could possibly make it. Sometimes I wish I could just be the "rebel" and just do what I please. But the sense of propriety and obligation instilled by my parents kicks in. I wish I'm brave enough to take a risk --especially with my heart. I'm scared of what I want. I'm scared of getting hurt, of falling short of expectations, and most of all disappointing my family and friends . . . and even myself. I'm sure I'm my toughest critic. I'm also at fault for not being brave.

Hopefully soon, I'll find my heart and be like the lion in the Wizard of Oz. To bravely row across the surging river, risk everything to find what I am looking for. Whatever that may be.

Will I be satisfied when I finally reach it, or screw it up like Zack, in the movie? I hope I don't.