pendulum swing

I find it amusing how your perception of someone changes so dramatically in such a short period of time. How emotions swing requiring control, a logical and more sensible outlook on situations. It's quite a learning experience really. I've always wondered why my friends, boys and girls alike act so foolishly when it comes to matters of the heart. You may not even realize it but most people, if not all approach relationships (friends or romantic) using not their minds but their hearts. Its hard not to. A connection to someone requires abandoning some semblance of control from your part and allowing a part of your vulnerabilities to show. The more you get to know the other, the more cracks on your armor shines through for others to view. This of course does not mean you relinquish all control at all. It only requires you to show a piece of yourself. A fraction at a time. I bet, even married couples have saved up some part of themselves and kept it from the other. It enables us to feel some control. Some intriguing part that would keep the other guessing. I would even venture to guess, some part of ourselves are not even known to us...the conscious us, anyway.

I write about this only because of my recent experience, in which you've read already. How it amuses me to see how my writings evolved from longing to not caring. Or even contempt ... even just for a little bit. Maybe it's not that extreme. Maybe its just annoyance. I don't blame anyone. Not even myself for such a pendulum of emotions. I'm just glad to have been able to take control before anything gets out of hand. It requires a lot of thinking on my part. I'm not one to be able to articulate emotions on the spot. Though I require a lot of question and answer. I guess gathering all information before formulating any conclusion.

Now, I'm trying to figure out if ... and this is a totally big "IF" he comes around and says, he's ready . . . will I be? Does he deserve a second try? I'm not sure. I think he would need to prove himself a bit more and reassure me that this time, no more back pedaling. I guess that discussion will only ensue after he makes a move . . . whenver that would be, and it can be never. Again, his loss not mine. Oh well . . .

So that's how it is. We live and learn from experiences. Events in our lives that we often look back saying, I wish I've done it a different way but then again, you wouldn't have learned the same lesson.

Go live. Go learn. Go let yourself be vulnerable and known. Its worth the possibility of heartache.