Bless me father for I have sinned....

Last nite was quite bizarre. I went to St. Rose for my regular Monday nite Religious Ed. stuff. It was the nite for reconciliation --for those of you non-Catholics, it's confession time. If you know me at all, you know that I do not do confession. I even made that statement as I entered the church and was talking to friends. I intended to just watch over the kids, with my microeconomics book studying for my final on Thursday. I don't believe in it... I was always taught that God is everywhere and as you commit sin, feel sorry and ask for forgiveness. Why go through someone else? So I went in, book at hand. I sat down with friends and I was about to crack open the book when I had this feeling in my gut that I should not. So I decided that I should put it away, stay for the opening prayer and then go to another room with the kids to read.

Then the songs and prayers started. Fr. Tony made this blanket statement/announcement: All your sins are forgiven tonight. Evil ends now. I of course just sat there, smiled when he looked over my way and then found myself slowly lowering my head, tears forming in my eyes and lost it. He kept on going . . . He said all the things you needed to hear . . . That all the bad things you did are forgiven. It was powerful. I was not prepared for it. It came and conquered my heart and the only thing I could do is give up control. Like I said, I did not intend to go to confession last nite and yet I found myself in line for Fr. Paul.

When it was my turn, I said Hi, and we exchanged pleasantries. When it was his turn to say, so how are you? I said I was nervous and started crying yet again. I even wrote out what I wanted to say --things in my mind that need to be discussed. I looked at him so helpless. I couldn't talk. I could only say was --I knew I will not be able to talk so I wrote out what I wanted to say but I can't even read it. Fr. Paul replied, well --God knows what you want to say, what's on that paper, and what comes out of this conversation is what needs to be discussed. And so we talked. I was surprised in our conversation. I told him, I don't believe in this. I did not want to go to confession and yet here I am, in tears. I told him about my beliefs and he said...actually, you're right. If you talk straight to God, He knows you're sorry. But the good thing about confessing is that in some ways your acknowledging these sins to yourself. That if someone forgives you, you know that God will always forgive you as well. I think in all my searching, that's the first time someone told me something that I can actually believe. I was not answered in theory or doctrine but was answered truthfully, in terms that I would understand...that my heart would accept. We talked about many other things that I don't think I would mention here . . . but it was great. He answered questions that I've had forever and more recent questions that I've had about my life and my quarter life crisis and where to go from here... through God's guidance.

I think the difference between this experience and my last one was, I actually didn't just enumerate my my faults. But I talked about what's in my heart. What was bothering me and what's hindering me to open my heart to God.


I wrote out my thoughts because I knew I was not going to be able to talk:

I was never good at voicing out what's in my heart. I was never someone who can speak of truths of hidden paths. I've always kept my secrets, secrets. Sometimes I even hide it from myself. I've always claimed disbelief, of not seeing the purpose. Why shed light to darkened surfaces? In my heart I know I'm sorry. why need to speak of it, why put a sound to a silent demon? Maybe that's what it is. . .unchallenged, kept hidden, ignored, the monster grows. Doesn't God know I"m sorry? That at that moment of weakness I felt guilty? Is that the same as asking forgiveness? Maybe bringing this into the surface would free me. Free me from what exactly? My being envious, impatient, angry? Why acknowledge flaws when all it does is shed tears. Tears kept at bay, emotions checked, when my sole purpose is to seem together and in control. Why relinquish composure for vulnerability? Why expose myself? I'm afraid. I've never kept that a secret. I've always been afraid of being not enough, to fall short of expectations. Is this why I hide? Doesn't God know this already? Doesn't He know I'm sorry? That in whatever guilt I have felt for whatever I may have done, that I was always sorry? Always apologetic for being . . . not perfect. Bless me father for I have sinned. . .

What surprised me, I did not read this note --and yet they all got answered. Fr. Paul rocks!