time

like i wrote yesterday, the more i think about it, the more i realize how my head is in the clouds. not that i have the right to do so, but really my head is full of doubts. i know not what my future would be. i just know it's pulling me. the direction unknown and it's scary. as to where this road is really taking me. as i wander around with my head in the clouds, i find myself dreaming even more. as i realize that the life i'm living now is a total bore. i always thought that the only way to go is earning a lot of money. but really, it's nothing when you're not totally happy. it seems i've walked through life without noticing the gifts. all i know is i ignored many signs and the wonderful kind words from the people i meet. i've always been asked to sing a tune or two. but i've always said no, afraid of what i might do. i'm afraid to embarass myself and so i shy away. i shy away from the opportunity and so i leave without trying anyway. regret soon follows of course. but it's too late now to change the course. i should have just said yes and tried. so could have figured it all out right away without going through this crisis of mine.

now that realize this. i stop and ponder, and i ask for help please. that i may build up the courage to pursue a dream. and one day reach it and not run out of steam. i should really just bite the bullet, do like mraz and pack up and leave. but sure do not have the same courage it seems. because i cannot leave without causing a scene. maybe i would have been better off if i were younger. maybe perhaps if i were a different gender. it's easier for a boy to leave the nest. as compared to a girl who as to be more careful than the rest.

and so i end this reverie. as i take time to compose myself and prepare for the midterm before me. i just sit here and think of what it could be. it seems that's all i can think about. i wounder if this is what dreamers who attain it go through. the stomach full of gitters and head spinning too.

i hope and pray to God that i'm going the right direction. since i'm really not sure if i paid enough attention. the road signs are gibberish, and i do not understand. what is it i have to do to make it through this land? i guess i have to work on conquering my fears. else i'll just end up in tears. so here goes fate, i'm hopping on the ride. to wherever you lead me, i'll go with the tide. hopefully i'll reach the goal that's meant for me. and not regret that i did not try it since i'm in the land of opportunity. i'll take advantage of what is within my grasp. and i'll search for the tools that would help me, aghast. i hope i do not get lost or pick up the wrong tools. cuz i'll hate to be one of them fools.

i'm almost in tears just reading through this. i'm soo afraid of this. the unknown just truly suck. i guess i'll just have to try my luck. i hope whomever is reading this blog. would help me realize my dreams or just hit me with a log. to snap out of this fantasy. and come back from this reverie and give me some objectivity. since for the passed two months i have no sense at all. cuz i know it's gonna hit me and i'll fall. from the clouds that i've been floating in. and just go back to this old mundane scene. reality. insanity. mortality. i need to get it, totally.

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just like everyone else i minded my own business
like a drone, i moved through the day without thought
i glided through the day like a ghost
not mindful of the world and the total cost

then one day i tripped as i was zooming towards my next destination
as i raised my head i'm surprised with the world and what a realization
it suddenly hit me --the things that i've missed
in this 26 years that i have actually lived

i used to laugh at that crazy old cliche
... we stop and smell the roses
now it sure means a whole hell of a lot

cuz i never thought of it's actual meaning and implications
it's valued indications
i scratched my head as i started to stare at the red colored blooming flower
or the couple over there making out beside the tower
or the little kid sucking on a lollipop with a smile on his face, wearing a sticky little shirt
or the little worm right on the sidewalk struggling to get back on that small patch of dirt

I'm wide awake all of a sudden
was i always asleep cuz i'm totally maddened
that i wasted life in acquiring every dime
as i float about this little world of mine

it seems i missed out in all this opportunity
i wasted time plowing through life with all it's absurdity
i feel like i've been cheated
my value depleted


now i wonder how many out there are drones like me
not realizing a bigger world that extends beyond immediacy
that the value of money tends to be zero
as compared to the value of lost time as we glide through