I've got an Itch!

so more and more, i'm getting this feeling that i should be doing something else with my life. what is it? i'm really not sure. i mean do not get me wrong. i have a good job. i'm learning many things about myself, the criminal justice system, and corrections. but really. is this what i'm suppose to do with the rest of my life? i'm taking an econ class for a pre-requisite for a grad program i'm interested in applying to. is an MPP degree (Masters in Public Policy) really what i want? is getting into the UN or the state department really my goal? and so it brings me back to my ganwing question....what should i be doing with my life? i've got an itch to do something but i haven't a clue what it is. right now though, music is just pouring out of my body. i think i've written about it some 3-4 postings ago. i found it interesting when i was talking to my mother that when i asked her...."mom, what would you do if i tell you that i want to quit my job, pack up and go to california to try and kick start a career in music?" to my surprise, her answer was....if you think you have a chance, go for it. it overwhelmed me a bit. does she really think i can do it? i sure don't think so. who am i among thousands and even millions of people out there trying their best to get a career in good 'ol tinsel town...be it in acting or music. i sure know my limitations. and i KNOW many more people are more talented than i. so let me ask again, who am i that i think i would strike it in cali? i've never performed in a band. nor have i any clue about the industry (again, i think i've said something about this in prior postings). there should be something even bigger instored for me. does everyone get this feeling or is it just me?

anyway, i should just continue to compose some fun songs and keep it to myself. i'm always bashful with that. i'm no good at sharing talents. and another thing....i'm always scared of singing in front of people. i hate being judged and when you're putting yourself out there, there is no way you're not going to be judged at all. oh well.....God should lead me to a place where i will be happy. i just hope i do not regret anything i do in my life. and i hope i get the courage to try things so that when i do get old, i won't have the "what if's" syndrome.

so another thing that is driving me nuts is my little obsession with certain singer/song writer. my gosh this is getting to be rediculous. it's gotta go away. but you know, this idea for another career i blame it all on him. like he has influence over me. but i guess he does since he injects a certain vision into your head that you are like that little train that could. i was talking to my cousin paolo who lives at the bay area in cali. i was telling him about my "talk" with my mom. and he was just as amused as i. he did snap me back to reality when he said..."she's probably saying that now so that she can think of reasons why you shouldn't do it" eh who knows. anyway, i love paolo. he's an awesome dude. he's very talented. he dj's (big in cali), he's a photographer, he's a journalist. he's everything. he's just plain awesome. he has the balls (well, he is a guy and ...um, i'm not...but anyway) to do things he REALLY wants to do. not like me, i'm floating around this world without aim what-so-ever. what should i do, what should i do? can someone PLEASE lead me somewhere?!?


tough roads ahead
even scarier paths lie further
the unknown, the fear
should i just stay put instead?

further from reality i fall
my fantasy embracing all
this dreamlife state is consuming me
i should snap out of it or best it be a tragedy

by way of staying sane
i write my thoughts away
into this journal i compose
the vision i have vivid in my mind

a happy state in life
a feeling of content
not wondering if this is it
and not hoping there's more