I've thought about it many times. I've suppressed it even more than I thought about it. I prayed for the contrary. Yet, when it did happen, I feel really bad. Yes, as much as I contested the wish that something bad happen to fw, at the back of my mind, I wished it not work for him. Now that it has happened, I feel really bad. Really really bad. To the point that I've dreamt that I was being blamed for the sad event even if I had nothing to do with it.
Many have said that it was inevitable. I prayed that it wouldn't. Honest! I did! Ask God. I prayed that despite how angry or hurt I was, he did deserve to be happy. That I pray that he has found happiness. Maybe it was me over compensating for the thoughts and wishes for the opposite. I don't know.
Now, my prayer is that he would have learned something. That one day he WILL find a lifetime of happiness. I also pray for forgiveness for being internally hypocritical, judgmental, and spiteful. I'm not sure if I've truly forgiven but I'd like to think I have. Maybe this remorse I feel is a sign that I have forgiven. I don't know.
I just feel lousy ... =(
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