Just about Me

I just finished a 3 hour conversation with a friend over lunch. Ms. Sheila is great. For once I had a chance to talk about me and what's going on with my head. The feelings that I'm feeling and the experiences that have made me who I am right now. The thought that I am not normal or those insecurities that I often find myself having once in a while. I sought her out because she's a special ed teacher. She has had experience with idiosyncrasies in people and find that they ARE normal. Those make us who we are and it's just a matter of finding a way to take hold of the bull with its horns and battle it head on.

See, i've always thought that I had some ADHD problem. I've never really looked into it and never really thought that I should bother. Why did I bother now? I think that it has significantly affected me and it's time that I do something about it. What she has showed me is that these issues stem up from many different avenues and places in my life. Parts of which are from family genetics. Those that I have no control over. The ones passed down from generation to generation and manifests itself in various different ways. I'm lucky really, mine is not all THAT bad. Some come from 'nature vs. nurture' stuff. Others come from relationships and how I deal with things. I don't think I need to dig and write it all out. You know the drill.

But what was really surprising is how NORMAL things really are. I'm not alone in this fight. There are others who have had it much worse that I. That my life is not as crappy as I thought it was and that having imaginary friends really isn't at all weird. Yes, I had imaginary friends. Actually sometimes, if I just want to let go of a thought, I speak to a void...an imaginary person who would be sympathetic and who would listen. I would rather have someone who could give me a hug or discuss with me if my thoughts are at all rationale but it's a coping mechanism that I have learned. If there is no one there to talk to, heck! I'm good to go ... I have my friend Nicholas (I often use that name as my imaginary friend) and tell him all about my day and what is bothering me.

So I am normal...as normal as a person who as quirks could be. Remember, no one really IS normal in a sense because no one is perfect. God is, but us, well we are a mere shadow or image if that is a better analogy....of his perfection and we can only strive to be the best flawed person we are.

The conversation of course did not solve anything but it gave me a lot of things to think about. What I really need is an avenue for my thoughts and that I can concentrate on what I need to get done. At the moment, it's my getting a new job. Perhaps the challenge is not the "finding" of the new job but it's what it is that I really want to do with my life. The possibilities are endless. Granted, I do have a grandiose and imaginative mind that I may lose myself but I do have friends who ground me. Who knock me back to reality when need be. Often though I do that perfectly fine myself.

I still think that if I work at it, and if I were meant to become an "entertainer" then things will roll towards that direction. I'm still convinced that the signs lead to music. To what capacity that is, I have no idea, not even a clue. It's easy to think that I can be a rock star. A person who would be revered by many and earn lots of earthly bound possessions. Will this be attainable? Yes, why not? Will I be happy once I get there? Yes, why not? Will I find true love on the way? Yes, why not? But the journey is just in its infancy. There is no way I can tell where it is going. I'm learning how to crawl right now and I have no concept of running. I am stuck in my own little world for now...but am preparing myself for the world of adventures to come. I may fall several hundred times along the way but I shall scrape off the dirt from my hands and knees...heal the wounds it has caused, and I'll be on my way. I have to keep the Faith that amidst all this chaos and uncertainty that there is a clear path and a clear goal that I would eventually will attain. I am no fortune teller, nor am I interested in finding out right now what I am ought to be. What I am interested in however, is how will I get to that goal when I don't know what it is. The tides are turning, I know that much. The roads forking into every which direction possible. I can't even tell you that I can make an informed decision. All I can do is trust in God and I will find the right way. Faith. That's all I have really. And I am the only one who can make that determination...whether or not I will get to where I am. I need to be more proactive. It's a matter of me doing something about it. I can't just write about it...but I AM hoping that by me writing this all down, would motivate me to move, to act, to make a difference and to make a change. I don't want to be fearful of the unknown anymore. It's all about me, really and I am the only one who can do it ....

Ms. Sheila has openned up a lot of possibilites. Of medial ways to handle this situation. Of actions I can take to make things right or not even that...just to understand both in my heart and mind that all will be well. Accept who you are and love yourself. Sometimes its hard isn't it? To love yourself especially those times when you really can't see the good in everything you do. That you can't get passed the one flaw that only you can see. That your feeling of fear is holding you back and you have no idea what that fear is really but knowing enough that its the reason why you're not taking any action. Or any action you take is half-assed. What to do, what to do? It's just about me. It's always about me. For once I need to take care of me so that I can help others the way I want to help others. If I can't help me, then how can I be effective in any other way? Ah, lots to think about. Lots of balls up in the air. Lots of things to do. Trick is not to be overwhelmed. Thank God for people like Ms. Sheila. Who understands things without you really saying much. Empath...that's what she is. Thank you God for giving a chance to know her. I think everyone needs a Ms. Sheila in their life so that for once you can concentrate on yourself. Healing. Loving. Caring. Just about me...really. Take me as me.