I wrote this to my friend Christina:
Still in my searching mode and yet, not as anxious, which proves to be a blessing and a curse. I for some reason now feel like I need to be worrying about something else. Why do I crave the chaos in my life? The conflict seems to make me feel like I'm alive and I have something to work on. Now that the conflict inside me has been worked out, so far anyway, and am on the way to do something about it, I look for something else. Shouldn't I just be happy that I am being
patient, waiting? Granted, I still haven't composed a decent song. Nor am I a competent guitar player. As my friend Justin said, I'm a budding guitar player. I couldn't really internalize that and at first said, nah...then he's like...it's true. You're learning so ur a budding player. So it made sense so I smiled and thanked him. But the ball is rolling. Where it goes, only God knows. It grows more and more, my desire to be musician. The signs are getting clearer. Now, I'm afraid though that in my desperation for guidance, I might read into things that need not be read into. So a nice line should be walked on and I don't know where that line should be drawn. But last Saturday (7th of February), a couple of catholic/christian musicians came and played at our church. They were cool. Talked to one, her name is Sarah Heart. She's awesome! And I asked her, how did you get into this business? She said, she went to music school, and since she's stupid, God just dumped everything onto her lap. She did say that she sent out CDs and stuff...and things just started rolling. It sounds so easy but really, it isn't. I guess with God
on your side, things shouldn't be THAT hard. Challenging, yes --for God wants us to learn things on the way to His goal for us. I guess I'm at the beginning of my journey. I just need to keep reminding myself that I need to breath. Take things a step at a time, even if it takes long, I'll get there eventually through God's help.
Then I had a conversation with my friend Jane about this.
She said that I just need to be patient. Things are going to be revealed when it's time for me to know them. Right now, I'm being molded, conformed into His will. Patience. Patience is what is needed and be happy with what I have. I am in the most part though part of me is seeking for something bigger and greater. That desire is there, channeling it to the right direction is a totally different beast to tame. I'm still afraid but at least I'm overcoming some of that fear, one step at a time towards an unknown destination. Am I doing the right thing? I have no clue. But what I'm doing so far, even it feels so small feels right. I'm learning, I'm growing, I'm rolling the ball.
I also want to tell everyone that my pal Cheron is back home from Haiti. She's a missionary at an orphanage there and was trapped for a bit when the chaos broke in that region of the world. Thank God she is safe. We were all so worried. Welcome back my friend, and all will be for the best even though you're worried about the kids at the orphanage. God will take care of them, one way or another.
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