Singleness = What?

Its interesting to see grown men and women who are successful in their chosen careers, are social justice conscious, are spiritual, and are blossoming in all aspects of their lives to find themselves swimming in self pitty just because of one tiny flaw from their otherwise perfect lives .... they're single.

I for example am still single. I've blogged about it plenty of times. Complained about it even. Though mostly self imposed, I occasionally am bothered with the fact that I am still single and have been single all my life. Even with all my triumphs and accomplishments under my belt, I can't help but dwell on that one fragment of the whole. I should be thankful and I am, don't get me wrong but looking around me, everyone seems to able to find a significant other. Why can't I? The seed of doubt is sewn.

Its funny when you yank yourself out of self-pitiness, to see that your doubts are based on such obscure and small part of life. Yes, romance is great but why can't I just be satisfied with my army of family and friends? Is this panic starting to creep into my consciousness the long since stifled and ignored scream that I ought to find a man, pro-create, and settle down? Maybe ... maybe not. But I think its human nature to seek out that perfect Eve, or for me, my perfect Adam. Wouldn't it be great if you don't have to sift through billions of people to find the "one" just like Adam and Eve? I mean, they need not look far but each other.

I would gladly give up the so-called game of romance and just expose myself to the potential men out there to get that chance of love. That of course, would never happen. I'm scared out of my wits. I'm absolutely clueless. Not to mention, timid and shy when it comes to men. My first instinct when I meet a guy I'm somewhat attracted to is to befriend them. Thus assuring my place in the ever so frigid "friend zone." I'm cursed and I fear would be forever cursed to be the "friend."

How does one break away when you're shy? When subtle moves by men are mistakenly read? When you question every move, every word, every look? When you don't even know if the time spent with each other is a date or not? When you have no idea if he's interested in you or he only expects friendship? Or when you want to probe but don't know how? When the idea of sex peaks your interest but is so frightened to say, yeah ... never done that before. Care to enlighten me? <-- ok, I will never be so bold.

Conservatism maybe is to blame. My strict upbringing, perhaps? or maybe this grandious idea that a lasting relationship is based on friendship and my future husband would be one of my greatest friends. I have no idea. I should be happy to be single and able to freely do what I want to do. Then why do I feel so wreched? Ugh!