flood waters

Monday night's topic of conversation is reconciliation. For those of you non-Catholics, that's the sacrament of confession. The theme then is forgiveness and healing.

I wasn't expecting it to affect me. I guess having to struggle in forgiving and being forgiven is very much my reality right now. Not only did the "now" affect me but the past just came rushing in ... like flood water raging through without warning and not allowing you to put in barriers in time to stop the onslaught.

Have I really forgiven those who hurt me in the past? The teenage girls in my old high school in the Philippines who decided to yank me out of the circle and continuously talk behind my back while pretending to be my friends? (I knew better of course ... I wasn't at all dumb); The neighborhood people who unaffectionate dubbed me as "the rich kid" and treated me so differently than the rest, that I couldn't help but feel outside?; My friend in college after coming out decided to just be friends with his gay friends and leave out us straight friends out?; FW who really, shouldn't have affected me as much since he wasn't really that close to me yet did? Oh what murky waters . . .

Can I be the bigger person and forgive and clean up the tsunami-like feeling I am experiencing? This reminds me of a Reliant K song:

Be My Escape

I’ve given up on giving up slowly,
I’m blending in so You won’t even know me
apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention
is my one last shot at redemption
because I know to live you must give your life away

And I'’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
and I’ve been locked inside that house
all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing
where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You,
I’m begging You,
I’m begging You to be my escape.

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
and I’ve been locked inside that house
all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing
where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You,
I’m begging You,
I’m begging You to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
and I’ve been locked inside that house
all the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing
where to go, promise I’m going because
I’ve gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I’ve gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You,
I’m begging You,
I’m begging You to be my escape.

I fought You for so long
I should have let You in Oh how win
we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You
So were You

You're probably wondering what being trapped inside a house has anything to do with the flood waters rushing, forgiveness, and healing. Well, I was then trapped inside the house. Caged by my feeling of uncertainty, of my inability to please others, and of knowing that I have done something wrong and causing me so much grief. The proverbial house that I was trapped in was made by me and if I were still trapped there, I can see how the rush of emotions strewn up by our topic could have drowned me.

It knocked me off balance. Opened some old wounds. It made me think of where I was and where I am now. I thought forgiveness and healing would become easier when you get older, but really it does not. It gets even harder. I've learned in high school that my journey need not be traveled alone. That along the way, help is there for me whenever I need it and that there ARE directions laid out in front of me to follow. I only have to make the choice to follow it.

I've made my choice. I chose to learn, to forgive, to heal. I chose to move on, to love, to find the silver lining. I chose to reach out, to graciously receive help, and in turn, to help others.

So as much as I was rushed by the flood waters of icky-ness of the past and present, I know now that have I not made the choices I've made, I would have drowned in the house I've made by the flood waters of pain.