oh what a feeling . . .

I found out yesterday that fw's now girlfriend moved in with him last weekend. I was shocked. With all the conclusions I have made about this man whose hurt me, well now I feel. Well, I feel all kinds of emotions right now.

First I am happy for him. Maybe he has found the person he wants to grow old with. That's just fabulous. With all the craziness happening in the world, and how hard it is to find THAT person, him finding his ONE is wonderful. I wish him all the best and a blessed life with this woman. And I'm not just saying that either. I genuinely am happy for him.

Second, I feel betrayed. He chose her over me. Yes, its irrational. We hardly, if any, had time to spend to get to know each other. Its mostly work banter, or teasing. Nothing really soul revealing or enough for a connection. But why do I feel so ... so ... discarded? inept? not good enough? Why can't I have been the person to have made him fall and turn a new leaf? I guess I have no such powers after all. I guess amidst the self-talk and coping mechanisms I have shoved into my head and heart, I forgot that there ARE good people out there. That I'm not the only salvation for every screwed up person (another coping mechanism ... saying to myself he's screwed up so I won't feel as hurt), or THE catch for a guy. That making making myself think at times that I'm better than them, is just a stupid way to cope. I'm stupid to feel that. Which leads me up to the third.

Third, I just feel oh so stupid. I'm naive. I admit that. I know nothing of romantic relationships. I know of what other people have gone through and have seen it around me. But personally? I have no clue. In my head, I said to myself ... look, he is closed and did not open up. Maybe it was me who didn't open up. Something or another prevented me to ask my questions, to tell my stories, to open up a bit of myself enough for an insight and a reason for fw to want to get to know me further. Maybe she did it and they connected. I heard that he's disclosed his past to her. I'm done speculating if he's disclosed everything or edited some or whatever. I'm obviously wrong about oh so many things.

As I write this, why is my chest constricting and my eyes filling up? Why can one person make me feel this way? I should really concentrate on other things like the people who were displaced in New Orleans. I feels selfish now. =( I just spoke with my friend Tom and just irrationally told him about this tidbit of information. It made sense when he said, "Maybe you should try to look at it in a different way. Stop making things about him and be a bit more introspective about it. Just think of it this way, every person wants to find THAT someone. You thought you could have found your ONE but he wasn't. That thought is normal and not at all stupid." It makes sense what he said. Maybe that's why he's our youth minister and not me. I am at that age where marrige is constantly being advertised around me. Matt getting married in October. Jes and Sarah engaged to be married next year. Most everyone at work is married. It doesn't help now does it? The people who are single, like me are great friends of mine but we don't see each other everyday for support. Maybe this is what Chanelle is feeling. It sucks. I hate it. I want my old, singlelife-lovin' self. This longing for someone is driving me nuts and I hate the feeling.

For now, I'll just go clean my room and try not to think about things. It should make me feel better. Let's cross our fingers and see . . .