honesty

So i've been informed that being honest is great but only applies to everyone else but to the person you're attracted to. I guess now, I realize I've made a mistake by admitting attraction. And that treating this person the same as how I would treat another, requires some finesse. Meaning, being enthused about a new friend is different from being enthused about a potential lover though the actions are the same. Why? Since when is this bad? Why is it human nature to keep honesty at bay? I guess its to protect your feelings? Who knows...

Being coy and shy is normal to not dissuade the opposite sex from pursuing you further. That's what everyone, including my mother told me. I guess if I go back into the past, I should have waited more than a week to admit interest. But why would someone back off when this is found out when in fact, the ball started rolling when he showed interest? Or maybe I mistook niceness for attraction? I've been wrong before you know. I for one am not good at detecting those until it's blatantly obvious, or someone tells me. So maybe this time, honesty scared him away? Its not like I want to jump into a serious relationship. I think I would run away too if that's the case. But . . .

I'm learning as I go, here. I don't know what I"m doing, I wish everyone including myself, would give me a break. If he only knew that I'm scared out of my mind, and that this is all new to me, he wouldn't be as scared. I don't even know what he's thinking since I've never actually asked. That's another thing, questions need to be timed too. I guess I understand that. But I like asking questions. It's how I find out things. I guess now I just need to be content not knowing anything.

It bothers me that I'm clueless. It bothers me that I'm upset. It bothers me that I carry my emotions so easily and that I bring it onto myself to get hurt. I'm not sure if I'm more upset about being upset or that I'm slowly but surely making a fool of myself. Or am I upset because I didn't quite manage my expectations well? I figured once I've said something, things will no longer be in limbo. I guess honesty in this case just made it even more intuned with limbo, than clarity. It also bothers me that maybe this all came about because Jessica got engaged. Maybe deep down I wanted him to be "it" and jumped into sudden conclusion. Which, again is stupid of me. Bah! I've just been stupid all along. It's time to not be one ...

It took forever to get the wall down and now, I feel like I have no choice but to bring it up again. To bring into a facade that interest is not there. I'm scared as hell of this emotion. I've always been smart about things but this ... this is quite different. Quite a beastly task to conquer. This un-named emotion though, I know is not love. FAR FROM IT! I think its longing. Maybe he showed interest only because he felt the same, having come back from a wedding himself. Who knows? I many never know. =(

here's the plan ...

i'll be me
i'll try not to think about it
i'll do what i do because i want to
and all will be well

i'll be nice as usual
i'll be the same person as i was before interest was made known
i'll keep a distance and come close only when necessary
i'll play the game if that's what it will take to get my mind out of my stupidity and further humiliating me
i'll revert back to how it was before all was revealed ...

lets see if i'll be able to pull it off...

I hope I'm not being played ...
Then, that would make me feel even more stupid than I feel now ...