Will I?

I'm looking out the window of my office space and am entertained by the destruction I see. Yeah, destruction...the two buildings right beside us are being demolished and watching a wrecking ball smash into the walls of a once sturdy building is quite entertaining. How come we find these things so exciting? Is it because we practice so much restrained everyday of our lives that seeing something destroyed is a good escape? I guess it's that inner desire to inflict the same reckless abandon once in a while that we find things otherwise should not be considered entertaining, quite entertaining.

Anyway, I'm home now. Around 9-ish and am trying to figure out what it is I ought to do. That decision to do something about it and eventual series of actions that follows. I've been ranting for more than a year about what I ought to do and not knowing what it is. I think it's finally sinking in that I can't be twiddling my thumbs anymore hoping that a moment of clarity would come and voila! a neon sign from nowhere would point me to the right direction. It would only be too simple. I struggle to get "into the weeds" as the lingo at work would describe. I think I'm afraid of what I'll find out about myself. It's easy to just scathe on by and continuously downplay every event ... be it good or bad. As Ralph would say, I'm quite good at self-deprecation. I wonder why I do that? Am I afraid of success? Maybe. I do know that I get very bashful when someone gives me a compliment ... I automatically shy away from it, honestly. I'm just not comfortable with positiveness though I exude it.

I sometimes find myself thinking of every little thing that can possibly happen if and when I find my path. Will I find friends? Will my family still love me? Will I like myself after awhile and look back at who I turned into? Will I ever find the perfect someone? Will I ever get married, have a child, and raise a family? Will I ever look back at my life and see that I have achieved something great...maybe not in the grand scale of things but satisfied with myself of this achievement? Will I like my house? Will I have clothes to wear? Will my kids be great (if I ever get married and have some) and will their dad we just as wonderful? Will I . . . ?? I guess most of us have these thoughts. The who, what, where, when, and why questions that pop into our heads once in a while or more often than not. I just wish that I can see the future and be content that all will be well. Alas, we are not privy with the information about tomorrow. Should I use the past as a way to estimate it? I don't know. But here I am, struggling just like everyone else. Sometimes though, I just don't care about anything that I become paralyzed and not do anything. We'll see I guess. Things will happen and all I hope and pray for is that I'm prepared whatever it is I will face. Will I succeed? I do hope so....