New Year

So it's now 2004. A new year has come and 2003 is now gone. At this time of year, we often think of what good and bad things had happened to us. We reflect on the past and pray that the future holds something brighter and better. We are often hopeful in the new year. Ready to give up bad habits perhaps or commit to resolutions when we all know are often broken by let's say, end of January. I for one hope to lose the pounds I gained during the holidays. Gosh, it's really awful but I shall be hitting the gym with full force (not as intensely as I used to --for my friends told me I went a bit insane) and cut back on the "naughty" foods. Discipline. That's what I need. More of it.

Today does not feel like anything new even though it's the 1st of the year. I'm not sure why. It does not seem to hold any "magic." When I was young I used to think the holidays are just dandy. I mean, I look forward to it so much but now, well --is it because it's over hyped, I grew up, I'm cynical, but who knows what contributes to it, but the spirit of the holidays are just not at work anymore. It's sad really. I saw the movie Elf with Will Farrow and Santa's sleigh won't fly anymore because Christmas spirit no longer exists or it's existence waning. And so, the elves had to be ingenious and created a machine to help the sleigh fly. How sad. How very sad. I don't want to be the reason why santa's sleigh won't fly. What would it take for us to be happy, and joyous at Christmas? It's not the gift giving or receiving. It's the community and time we spend together that should count.

I'm reading this book now called "Everybody is Normal, Until You Get to Know Them." It's a book telling us that no one is perfect. That our expectations that everyone, including ourselves are perfect are just unfounded and unrealistic. We all have flaws whether we admit it or not, well all do. Some we do not mind others to see but others, well we hide it. Sometimes, we even hide it from ourselves. We kid ourselves if we think that we do not have any flaws. We definitely kid ourselves that if and when we meet that special "someone" that they would be perfect as well. We just need to learn to accept things "as is." That there are flaws and we love them anyways. That things are beyond our control .... and we cannot change others and so we either take it or walk away. There would be plenty of missed opportunities if we always wait for the "perfect" moment, man, woman, job, etc. etc. etc. We can strive for perfection but we'll never be perfect. The thing to remember is the journey we take towards perfection. The lessons learned, the struggle, the pain, the joys, and the triumphs. Those we need to keep at heart and accept ourselves and others as flawed and we will be happier.

And so another year is coming and we all want to have a clean slate. But that can never be. So I build on what I have. My quarter life crisis still going. I'm still not sure of what I want to do with my life. Am I deluding myself that I can actually be a professional performer? I can't even be outgoing at a party where I do not know anyone. Although, I would have to say, was able to come out of my box and meet people at Jason's kickass party for new years. It took some effort, but I finally broke the stick up my ass and partied. I don't know what my problem is. I'm usually the person who is perfectly happy being the wallflower at a party. Observing, having random casual conversations but only to people who strike up the conversation first. Why can't I be like Jane? Outgoing, and introduce myself to others and just have that self confidence that can propel you to the life of the party. Ok, I don't need to be the life of the party but you know what I mean. I'm shy towards strangers. Ask my friends and they would say otherwise. I don't know. Can I be a singer on stage? Who knows? I can't know until I try. I'll pursue my singing. I'll pursue the guitar. I'll continue writing poems and songs and see where it goes. In the meantime, I'll continue on my current job. Try not to get bored with it ... although, I think it already is boring to be. I need something that would challenge me. I guess my challenge this year is to lose weight, learn to play the guitar and see if I can manage to play and sing at the same time. You know...it's really hard. So I give mad props to all those who play an instrument and sing at the same time. Whoa! Good Job!

Well, these are what I am thinking right now as the first of the year comes to an end. I pray that 2004 would be equally as blessed as 2003. I've learned so much this year. Met so many new people and realized that I do not need to do it all. That asking others' help is not a sign of failure or weakness but it is the contrary. It shows the strength of my willingness to attain a goal and acknowledging that to get there, I need to rely on the people around me --to guide me, to give me a hand, and to cheer me on. Thank you everyone! I appreciate it. And I hope I can repay you back somehow with all the wonderful things that you have done for me. Keep on Keepin' on.


so here i am not knowing where to go
perfectly lost in the shadows of them all
i hear stories of surrenders on the radio
of tv broadcasts of conquered scenarios

what does it all mean?
time comes and time goes
opportunity knocks and events follows

i sometimes lose site of what is important
my friends are the light
beyond the darkened room tonight
my family my beackon, my afternoon delight

so what if i'm lost in this world?
i'm but one of many searching
at least i haven't lost site of those i cherish
the people i love, the people who help, the people who cheer me on

"the remedy" of it all is community
the "poison" singularity
don't snuff out the lights before it's proper end
let it shine like a beackon like family and friends