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...ode to dad

It is 11:08pm and I've been laying in bed awake since 10:10pm. It wouldn't be a problem if I wasn't intending to wake-up at 6 to try and go for a run. Another problem is that when I'm wide awake in bed with nothing to do, I end up thinking. Tonight, as with many nights I lie awake, I think of my and my loved one's mortality. .ostly I think of mine. But tonight, I thought of my father's.

Dad and I didn't really get along for a long time. We are both stubborn and hard headed and we often clashed. I then thought about his life. A former military man from the Philippines, a pilot, and business man. As we migrated here to the US, he had to take whatever job he can get to support his family. He ended up in odd jobs, and found himself in retail. He had to do it all, fold clothes, clean toilets. For a proud educated man, he has sacrificed a lot. I did not appreciate that when I was young until now. I owe him a lot and thank him for many thankless years he has supported me.

He is not perfect and neither are you and me but he selflessly provided what he can for his family. Thank you for everything, I may not show it often or quite outwardly (just like you dad), but I do love you.

Another Year . . .

I just spent a whole weekend with some wonderful friends of mine at the Outer Banks, NC. Fun times, really. I found that I've been really lucky to have met some wonderful people in my life. There were 5 of us women who went, from all walks of life with varying backgrounds and yet have managed to find ourselves connecting and having fun. Some even just met when we all congregated at Chris's casa.

I learn many things from each of them.

Julie, my friendly and thoughtful neighbor has the shiniest golden heart. With kind words and insightful musings, not only do you know that she will have your back, you'll have legal backing to boot.

Ofelia. Always kind and full of wisdom, she brings years of lessons learned and grounding that you'll need to make sure that get a good dose of reality gets into your head when you find yourself in fantasy world.

Michele, the sharp tongued, whimsical, and oh so smarty pants attitude reminds me to make sure I see the other side of things. That there's nothing wrong to have a devil's advocate so that you can think of all the angles and sides of a coin. Not everything is what it is and requires scrutiny, and you have to do it with a smile.

Erin. Sweet not really so innocent Erin. She will surprise you that little chameleon. She's smart, funny, strong, and knows what it is that she wants. She may be quiet, but man, her one liners just makes you realize that gosh, life's full of surprises. That you gotta live life and be able to share them with others. Laugh at yourself once in a while. It's good for you.

All in all, the trip with all the fun games played with libations and the walks at the beach, it was good times. Short but sweet, my birthday weekend was quite a success. Not to mention we had so much food. OH and speaking of food, Roadside is awesome ... not just because of the food, but the hot bar tender who makes great drinks. Yaay! Hope to have just as fun next year. Maybe next year, we'll allow boys. We'll see.

maybe . . .

Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me. Maybe because am not tall enough, pretty enough, thin enough, or just not enough. Who knows. But being alone plays so many tricks in your head. Actually, alone or not, my head ruins things. I find my internal dialogues tiring sometimes. It almost always stops when I'm with people. Maybe that's why having someone would be great. Or maybe it won't help at all. Gosh, am I the only one who thinks like this? So sadm

Snap out of it kid. Buck up!

:/

I thought I would be ok with him dating. I guess I have to be ok with it whether I like it or not. I miss him to be honest. I also miss the idea of him. I hope one day soon, I'll find the right someone. It can get lonely sometimes and a "special someone" would be quite welcomed.

Cruise Control!

I've been thinking a lot these days on what is it that I am suppose to be doing in life. My purpose while I have time. Time is never always on yourside and really, as cliche sayings go, we ought to take life by its horns and go ride it through. How easy it is to say. Life is short. Life is fleeting. Life is never always what you think it should be. It is best to just come along for a ride, but isn't it better if the cruise control is turned off? That somehow, we ought to be able to navigate life through the various adventures?

Sometimes I think I'm brave enough to go 'off roading' and be able to find more adventure. Then I find myself complacent with my index finger lingering the cruise control button. Trying hard to fight the urge to actually push it. Or maybe it's the other way around. I'm fighting the urge to actually go off the highway and into paths unknown and untrodden. Maybe in all honestly, I'm just really a wuss. Wuss it is for now, since I'm in school. Hopefully as I go back to get my masters, I'll grow a spine and be brave enough to embark on new things. Here's to hopin'

and so the journey continues

It has been forever since I've written.  I feel like this is all I've written really.  The last few postings saying the same opening.  A lot has happened since the 28th of February 2008.  I've met new people.  Got new friends.  I've grown-up a bit and got a little wiser, every day.  

What's the matter with the heart

When things don't go the way you want to start

The winding ways a never ending road

To which end is no where I want to seem to go

I poke my head around

Look about where I stand

I've been running so long now

I don't even know where or how

It started so long ago

The winding road, the music I forgo

What was it I wanted to do

I seem to have no clue

I walk and walk some more

To nowhere  I seem to go

Lead me somewhere please do

I'll gladly follow you

One foot at a time

One step I shall find

Maybe I'll just go my way

I'll find me someday

What's the matter with the heart

It only wants to go where it could stand apart

The winding ways a never ending road

Maybe it's the adventure, the journey will my heart unfold

What I want . . .

I wanna fall in love. I wanna meet someone that when I finally meet him that I would just fall into his arms and feel safe, feel right, feel loved. Nothing would come to mind why we shouldn't be together. There are no fears, there are no doubts, just bliss and live life with him in total and absolute abandon. I want it all.

I don't want to hurt, even for just a little or get into a relationship just because it feels good. I don't want to be placed in a position where I defy my parent's desires.

I just wanna be in love ... and be loved. Is that too much to ask?

The difference, is not race, but religion?

I started dating CG and all is well though what I thought would be a problem, us being of two races, him black and me Filipinio, that it will be that difference that would "do" us in. Little did I know that it is religion that will get us. Isn't religion suppose to bring people together? I guess if I looked at the past, religion have been the root of many battles and it's very least between couples. There lies the remains of the wounded behind skirmishes, big and small. I'm just the latest casualty, I suppose.

I'm hurt. Partly my fault for thinking that we will be able to work on things together even if deep down I knew that there was no compromise. But I also blame him for not being strong enough to follow-through the first break-up moment a week ago. I guess I would really not be this mad if it ended then. But when he came by the next day, the act made me hopeful. I guess I was too hopeful that two devout people, me catholic, him methodist to work things through. I feel like I would have been able to work on it, the difference I mean --finding a common ground. But he wasn't. It wouldn't be fair if I put all the blame on him. I believed we both believed in the illusion that we both projected.

Am I sorry that we met? No
Am I sorry that I cared for him? No
Am I sorry that it ended? Yes

If only we could have gotten past it, it would have been great. I guess it's not meant to be. My cousin Maricar is right. This will just make me stronger. 'Til that moment though, I'm gonna cry about it. I'm allowed a moment of that at least.

romance . . .

A lot has happened since my last blog. I haven't been very good this year with writing down thoughts. I think it's because I don't know what to write. So many things ... oh so many things.

I'm back at school now. I'm on a different project at work. I'm over DD and am now sorta dating CG. Yeah sorta. We have some big fundamental things that we need to discuss before we moved into the next category. Religion ... Race. But he's a nice guy. Really sweet. Really funny. and the most important thing, he respects me and my boundaries. That's definitely a HUGE plus. He's cute too...especially when he smiles. And he sometimes have a dorky laugh which makes him adorable.

This is new territory for me. Last I looked, there are no manuals on romance. I wish there was since right now, I have no idea what to do.